March 2045

MARCH 2045

To Whoever finds this,

Zombies are living among us. No, they’re not breathing or expelling waste, but they are going about their daily lives. I saw one mail a letter the other day. A LETTER. Who does a zombie have to send a letter to? I mean, he probably ate his whole family years ago.

Oh, you have so many questions now. I’m getting to them. First though, I’m telling you my story. Sort of.

My mom was born during the Zombie Apocalypse. Or, if you’d rather I be politically correct, the Disease Era. My grandparents both died at some point during the chaos, but Mom was raised by a group of refugees who managed to keep their brains from being eaten.

Actually, I’d like to pause here to correct myself. I was working off a stereotype there, but if you’re reading this in the future or if you’re from a different planet, you need to know the truth. Zombies don’t just eat brains. They eat flesh of any kind. That’s why we’re able to keep them contained these days, at least for now. They eat our dead. No more burying corpses. That’s kind of gross anyways, why did people ever think that was a good idea?

Then there was my dad. He was 4 years old when the disease struck. He was bitten really early on and his hand had to be amputated, but they were able to stop the spread of the Strigoi virus and he never became a zombie. Anyways, as you probably guessed, my father was part of the same refugee group as my mother, so they grew up together and dire situations and hatred of zombies brought them together. Great Hollywood story. Or I think it is. Hollywood isn’t a thing anymore.

That’s the funny thing about humans, isn’t it? They make all these scenarios up and turn them into movies, but no one ever takes them seriously or truly prepares for something that could happen. I’ve watched a ton of zombie movies and even though there isn’t a single one that gets them totally right, there’s a lot of stuff that was predicted correctly. So why weren’t we coming up with answers to the zombie problem, just in case? Next I hope aliens invade, and we’ll see how we deal with that one.

Last week, there was this big revelation that the zombies had formed a political party. Party Z, of course was the name. I think they probably thought “Flesh-Eating Party” sounded a little too much like a typical Saturday night for them.

Okay, I know that joke was bad.

Anyway, so the zombies want to represent themselves in the parliament, because they have needs that differ from the human population and they want their voices to be heard. They’re also pissed about some racism that’s been going on. Yeah, zombies are more sensitive than you’d think.

Oh! This is important. My Uncle Fred is a zombie. I can’t believe I didn’t tell you that already. The thing is, we don’t see Uncle Fred very often because, well, my dad’s a bit pissed at him. Yeah, he’s the guy who munched on Dad’s hand. And tried to eat his face. So, he stops by for birthdays and stuff.

They’re still pretty similar to humans, you know. Except that they can’t really talk. The few things they do say take forever to get out. I mean, like forever! And that might be okay for a zombie. They can only die if you sever their brain stem. Basically, they live forever.

THIS IS WHAT’S SO FUNNY ABOUT PARTY Z!

By the time they’re done discussing their platforms and what they want changed, I’ll probably be dead anyway, so I’m not worried about it.

Okay, fine, I’ll tell you more about what the zombies eat. I know that you probably don’t care about politics. Even politicians don’t care about politics.

So, there’s these little buildings set up outside of hospitals. All the dead bodies go there and then the zombies go in and get their portions and that’s that. Easy. And environmentally efficient. I guess some people are pissed because they don’t want their loved ones to become Zombie Snacks.  Would you rather have them buried in the ground to be Worm Snacks? Everyone’s gonna get munched on someday, it’s just a matter of who’s doing the munching.

I went to a graveyard on a history trip last May. Holy, it was the creepiest place. Just all those dead bodies, rotting there underground. Who would want to go there when they die?

They’re also talking about teaching us Zombie anatomy in schools. Which I’m all for because I really want to know whether or not they go to the bathroom. It’s not really something I know how to politely ask Uncle Fred, and I also have no desire to spend three hours waiting for an answer. And I’ve never seen a zombie in a public restroom.

I do know that zombies can’t procreate. Thank goodness, because human babies are creepy enough, I can’t even imagine what they would be like with dead eyes and saggy flesh. Also, can you imagine two zombies doing it?

So, that’s where we’re at right now with the zombies. A civilized society, for now. Mostly because the zombies know that they need the human race for food and humans don’t want to get their faces chewed on.

            So, I hope if you’re reading this, things are still going well. I’ll continue writing as things continue to change on the zombie front.

Best wishes,

Johnny Uman

Devil's Visit

Author's Note: In the beginning, I had trouble coming up with a character name. By the end, a name seemed unnecessary, because I think, in a way, this is a situation that a lot of people find themselves in.


_______ didn’t care for other people. _______ thought other people were rude and ignorant and untrustworthy.

            People, according to _______, were out to please only themselves. This is why there was only ugliness in the world.

            People were selfish, _______ was sure about that. And that was why wars happened and why people made fun of others and why people threw their garbage on the ground instead of carrying it a few extra feet to throw it into the garbage can. People were out to please only themselves.

            _______ was pondering all the ignorant and foolish things that humans do when a knock sounded from the door.

            This was just what _______ needed, a person to spout out at. Since the telephone was invented, no one but religious fanatics came to the door unannounced, _______ was sure of that.

            _______ opened the door to find a person standing there. The person was dressed in ordinary clothes, and had an ordinary face.

            “Yes?” _______ noticed the person carried no pamphlets or paperwork of any kind, which was the custom of religious people who knocked on unsuspecting doors.

            “Hello. I’m The Devil, and I’ve come to wish you a good day.”

            _______ was nothing short of flabbergasted. There had been talk of people being visited in their homes by God, but The Devil? Surely that was only a thing of stories.

            “Well, I just don’t believe you.” _______ began to close the door, but The Devil slipped inside before it could shut.

            I must stop to assure you that this was indeed The Devil, and not some kind of imposter. Going door-to-door impersonating the Devil would be insane and a person who did such a thing should seek psychological help, that’s something that I am sure of.

            “If you’re The Devil, then what on Earth are you doing here?”

            “God’s having a day off,” The Devil replied, while scanning the room. “Not much for decorating, are you?”

            _______ said nothing. The Devil was standing in the middle of the living room! This didn’t seem like an appropriate time to talk about home décor.

            “Not much of a talker. Okay, let’s cut to the chase. I’m here to tell you about how things really are.”

            “What things?”

            “Things in the world, of course. They’re quite a bit simpler than you might think. Do you mind if I take a seat?”

            _______ said nothing. The Devil sat.

            “Some coffee would be nice as well. I’ve had a long drive.”

            _______ prepared the coffee and sat down.

            “So, you seem to think you know how this world is run, don’t you?”

            _______ said nothing. The Devil continued.

            “You think the world is ugly. And some of it is. That’s my department, you see? And I gotta say, I’m proud of it. But, my old friend God has asked me for a favor, so I have to tell you,” The Devil paused for a sip of coffee. “Ah, that’s not too bad, thank you. Anyway, I gotta tell you, you need to look around. See the birds and the flowers and the old people holding hands? That stuff’s beauty, and it is around. I don’t like it too much, but it’s around.”

            The Devil took another sip. _______ said nothing.

            “And there’s waterfalls and rainforests and bunnies snuggling. Kittens playing with yarn and fuzzy pink sweaters. And candy and smiles and babies laughing. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING?”

            _______ started at the sudden shouting, but said nothing.

            “Arrr, listen, I don’t like talking about this stuff, but like I said, I’m doing God a favor. There’s kisses and rainbows and dancing and milkshakes and Robert Munsch stories! Do you understand that there’s beautiful things in the world?”

            _______ said nothing. Then _______ spoke. _______ said, “I know there’s beauty in the world. But I’m afraid. Because the beautiful things don’t last. The beautiful things are temporary.”

            The Devil said nothing.

            “It seems like the ugly things, the wars and the sexism and the littering, those kind of things never go away.

            The Devil thought about this. Generally, it was not The Devil’s job to defend the world’s beauty. The Devil was proud of the ugly work that had been done. But, The Devil had promised God, and God was a good friend.

            “Maybe, it’s attitudes like that that chase the beauty away. Did you ever think about that? Maybe it’s being blinded by fear that let’s the ugly parts of the world sneak in and take over. Maybe people need to stop worrying that the good things in the world are going to go away, and they should start appreciating them a little more. Maybe- Ah, I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s not my area, you know? And I don’t want to make all my hard work irrelevant, you know?”

            _______ said nothing. The Devil stood up.

            “Just, pay a little more attention to the nice stuff, okay? I have another appointment, so I gotta get going.”

            With that, The Devil left _______ to sit in silence and think about the good things in the world. _______ thought about the people who bought the homeless coffee and sandwiches and baby birds hatching and swinging on the swings in the park. _______ thought about sunsets and sunrises and phone calls just to say “hello.”

            And before _______ knew it, it was night, and the whole day had been taken up by thoughts of beautiful things, and _______ wasn’t so sure that the world was ugly.